She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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