jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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