She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
