we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
