so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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