I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
