Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
