I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
