Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
