so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
