drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
