Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
