Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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