Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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