I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
