i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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