I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
