Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
