The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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