I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
