Where is the hickey?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
