So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
