Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He shit in the fireplace
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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