Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
