You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
