i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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