The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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