Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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