weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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