Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
