I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
