I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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