she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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