You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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