it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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