I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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