Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
