my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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