Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
