dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
