He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
