just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
