my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
