Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
