I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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