he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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