Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
