Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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