NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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