Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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