I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
