Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
